speed of life

This morning I am proctoring a practice SAT for 4 my boys. Well....actually maybe just 3 of my boys. One of them hasn't shown up yet. (I keep thinking of the ole adage my high school physics teacher Mr. Kirby used to say when we were stupid. "This is you...at college.")

Anyway, my boys aside, I have discovered that proctoring a long boring test has one key benefit overlooked by convectional medical science!! Let me build some context. You see when I turned 20, my life changed drastically. When I was 19, life was running along at a nice casual pace. I turned 20, had a nice dinner that night and went to sleep without thinking twice about the occasion. When I woke up the next morning however, I was shocked. All of a sudden time seemed to accelerate to almost twice the speed of the prior two decades. My facial hair even grew faster (though at that point I was shaving it off fairly regularly). It was like I was in some sort of time vortex, I would look at the calendar and it was November 25th, then I'd look again and it was the Ides of March. Where did Winter even go???? (Don't worry, I didn't bother to look for wherever a silly season like winter went..)

Then when I turned 25, a similar phenomenon occurred yet again. This time, time just didn't speed up, the days actually got shorter. I don't know who was responsible, but I swear I have less time in a day now than when I was in college. How is that even possible? I don't even have homework anymore... All I do is work, sleep, eat, and hang out with cool people all day.

To the point: I found out that giving out this test to my boys this morning has a completely opposite effect! Time has actually slowed down and expanded by like three times its normal rate!!!

As I sit here and watch these kids take the SAT its almost like the world is taking a breath and holding it for as long as it can before it exhales and takes another. We started taking the test at 930 and its not even 10am yet?! Seriously, any other day of the week I would be having lunch right now and getting ready to peace out to an evening social activity. BUT NOT during a boring test.

I tell ya, its like riding the "It's a Small World" ride at Disneyland. You think it will be this fun quick ride, but once you go into that little boat and start down that dark tunnel, you feel like you have been in for hours by the time you get out into daylight again.

Anyways, people should seriously pay top cash money to give out a test like this if they want to reverse the aging process. I can't believe it. I think all 9 of my gray hairs just went back to their original coloring in just a few minutes. Haven't they made a couple films about this? If you ever want to reclaim your hold on time, just volunteer at some local high school.

I'm quite sure you won't have lots of competition. I don't think that many people have caught onto this little secret yet.